I cannot sleep at all.

I hate that feeling when you're wide awake because everything is bothering you and you are the only one who is not sleeping. As much as I surround myself with people these days, it makes me feel alone.

I'm happy that I live in a bigger apartment with multiple rooms and all that business, but the location is not so convenient. I also feel like I have an obligation to be there or to check in. I was so excited about being able to just worry about me for awhile, but it's not the case at all.

Living where I do now sort of makes me feel like I am disconnected from everything, in turn making me miss a shoe box sized apartment. That REALLY needs to not happen, but I can't help how I feel. I will just suppress those thoughts for now ... and ever. Since I was little I always wanted to live in NY so I would never feel like I was missing something.

It's a pain in the ass to get to the train, especially at night. I don't mind walking at all, it's just probably not a good idea to do so by myself. I semi know how Dana feels now.

This is another issue that has been bothering me immensely. It makes me sad that I don't see her that often. Unfortunately, my jobs and school keep me bound to this area. Sometimes I make Monday my day off from work, but even then I would still have to be at class by 6 that night. Monday through Thursday is work at the radio place and class. Friday through Sunday is work at the store.

Thank GOD I get paid on Wednesday and at the end of the month. I am surprised I haven't turned my finger nails into nubs over money. I have got thangs to pay off like WHOA. I feel so sick when I think about money and school. Money, school, work. Money, school, work, weight loss, time management. Money, school, work, weight loss, time management, and relationships ... all kinds. Friends and otherwise.

I still feel confused sometimes. Though I strive to be selfless, I end up being selfish. I thought things would be so much easier, but after the initial "I can breathe" phase everything is still just as sub-par as it was before. It sure won't make my other problems go away. I have to say, I'm still in awe over the amount of weight that fell off immediately after. Weight that I tried really, really, REALLY hard to lose and all of a sudden by some crazy magic it's gone. I didn't even have to work out that hard for it.

My attendance record for class has been awful. I was seriously sick twice, which was a pain in the ass. I HATE IT. I hate. HATE. I hate paying for something I hate. GOD! DO I HATE IT. HERE! HAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS! PLEASE MAKE EVERYTHING INCONVENIENT AND MISERABLE. Love, Nicole.

Writing it out is not helping, I still feel ridiculously nauseous. I was laying in bed on my stomach with my face in both of my palms, which was followed by some riveting ceiling staring. I had to get up and do something. I feel so terrible about everything and I don't know why. When I start to feel like this I get all shady like. I don't answer phones. I don't want to talk. I just want to exist, go through the motions of my day, and veg out. I don't know what I need right now. Perhaps a healthy routine. One that does NOT involve mid day vodka tonics.

Vodka. FUCK YOU AND YOUR DISTILLED WONDERFULNESS THAT BRINGS ME WARM FUZZIES AND FLEETING, FAUX HAPPINESS. I HATE YOU TOO. HERE! HAVE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS! MAKE ME BELIEVE I AM HAVING AN AWESOME TIME, BUT DON'T FORGET TO MAKE ME REGRET IT ALL THE NEXT DAY. Love, Nicole.

I need to be more responsible in so many ways. I need to be safer and more aware. I tend to ignore things that desperately require attention when I am in this state. So many circumstances apply. I feel like I overload my plate, assuming I can be super woman and flawlessly accomplish everything. However, in my opinion, the results I turn out are far from impeccable.

Nothing I do will ever be good enough for me, which is a dangerous concept. I will never be smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, rich enough, accomplished enough, thin enough, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera ...

I worry that I worry my friends and family. My behavior as of late is detached and maybe even a little destructive. I self-classified my behavior as destructive. I put myself in unsavory situations often. It is no one's fault but my own for what I have to deal with and I fully comprehend that. I will never know why I sabotage my own good fortune. I am a control freak. So maybe I have this subconscious desire to be in charge in any way possible. The results could be good or bad, as long as I was the reason behind it?

I superficially keep things light, but I am an intricate, old bitch under the surface.