Nicole

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-06-04T20:46:00

2009-06-05T00:48:05Z

My run in Central Park and along 5th Avenue was blissful to say the least. Aside from not being able to find one full time job, I am delighted with everything right now.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-06-04T00:03:00

2009-06-04T04:04:19Z

IKEA used to have this sheet set that looked like drippy blood. Now they ain't got it no mo' and I am sad. Boo.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-05-28T12:25:00

2009-05-28T16:26:08Z

Happy Drunk Day. Pat Quinn turns 65.

FAIL!

2009-05-24T16:05:55Z

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-05-22T15:17:00

2009-05-22T19:15:22Z

Holly from The Office came shopping. How exciting!

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-05-21T23:55:00

2009-05-22T03:56:26Z

Scotch+Vodka=:) on a work night.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-05-21T15:37:00

2009-05-21T19:39:09Z

Twenty pound mark met and surpassed despite the retarded amounts of food I cooked and consumed last night. I enjoy things being wonderful.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-05-20T08:04:00

2009-05-20T12:05:36Z

Why is 'Eva Longoria Sports a Sparkling Mini Dress' a featured headline? Makes me want to punch the world in the face.

Gimme ma money bitch. Not some. But all of my money!

2009-05-05T16:18:25Z

OMFG. WHERE IS MY MONEY. I know tomorrow is another pay day, but today but suppose to be pay day for job #2. I need to do thangs. I was relying on that. BOO! No check again.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-05-05T09:21:00

2009-05-05T13:24:08Z

Best question on an accounting exam EVAR *drum roll* What is the meaning of life? I thought he was joking. OH NO.

I didn't feel like getting philosophical and I was kind of pissed that I had studied like a mother fucker to get a question like that. I wrote 'The Meaning of Life' was a Monty Python movie from 1983.

If I don't get points for that I will kill him.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-30T16:35:00

2009-04-30T20:35:38Z

Things you probably did know about me. I'm seriously, bored out of my fucking skull.

Things You Don't Know About Me

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

Take this survey

What is on your bed right now?
7 pillows, 2 down comforters, a stuffed Jelly Cat dog, and a lap top.

When was the last time you threw up?
I don't know probably a couple weeks ago.

What's your favorite word or phrase?
Fresh / "IT'S A TERRIBLE DAY!!!!"

Name people who made you smile today?
My professor, Dana, Laura 1, Laura 2, Nick, and Scott

What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Rolling around in bed not wanting to get up and rueing the day.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Finance crap

What is your favorite holiday?
Halloween

Have you ever been to another country?
Yes

What is the last thing you said aloud?
What!?

What is the best ice cream flavor?
I like Ben and Jerry's crazy ass flavors. Phish Food and Chubby Hubby are de-lish.

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water

What are you wearing right now?
A green sweater. Jeans. A shirt with a koi fish on it.

What was the last thing you ate?
A peanut butta sandwich.

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
No. I need summery clothes though.

When was the last time you ran?
At the gym the other day.

What's the last sporting event you watched?
Ice hockey Tuesday night. Not really by choice.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Provence

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
I don't know and I don't feel like looking

Ever go camping?
Not really

Do you have a tan?
HA! No I do not

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
My dignity

What is your guilty pleasure?
46 oz. jars of pickles

Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot?
Yas

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Sometimes if it's mixed with alcohol

What did your last text message say?
'Nope'

Are you someone's best friend?
I sure am!

What are you doing tomorrow?
I am going to go to work then visit Stephanie in Brooklyn

Where is your mom right now?
Milling around a backyard chasing after a parade of puppies.

Look to your left, what do you see?
A chick on a computer

What color is your watch?
Silver

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
My cousins, wallabies, grilled cheese sandwiches, snobby women

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
I SURE HAVE!

What is your birthstone?
Sapphire

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive tthru?
I don't know. Drive thru?

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
No

Do you have a dog?
My mom has many dogs and so do the people I live with.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
My dad

Any plans today?
School, gym, The Office

Are you happy?
Getting there and yes for the most part.

Where are you right now?
At school

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
School

Last song listened to?
Say It Ain't So

Last movie you saw?
I forget

Are you allergic to anything?
Probably

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
Flip flops because I walk all over the place

Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes

Are you married?
WHY YES! YES I AM!

Is anyone jealous of you?
Probably not

Do any of your friends have children?
Ehhh. People I know have children

Do you eat healthy?
I sure try and if I don't get rid of this extra weight hanging on Imma kill a baby.

What do you usually do during the day?
Work

Do you hate anyone right now?
No

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Yes

How many kids do you want when you're older?
I have mad names to use. Lily, Eva or Ava, Max, Aiden.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
24

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes. I enjoys.

How did u get one of your scars?
Mike kicked me off the bed. What a great souvenir to stay with me FOR-EV-ER.

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-29T12:38:00

2009-04-29T16:58:16Z

I had somewhat of a nightmare last night. I had a dream that is was Halloween and I was costumeless. It was so sad and I was running all over NYC trying to get something together. My mind went blank. So I dressed up as a Sarah Palin zombie. It was stupid and I remember getting frustrated with myself in the dream because I have tons of things I want to be and I couldn't think of ANY. Boo!

I just want today to be over already. WHY WON'T THE WEEKEND COME HERE FASTER! GOD DAMNIT! I just want to do my presentation tonight and go home to sleep.

4/30 Thursday is gym, class, work, class, and The Office. Or is it? Is The Office over? I haven't watched it in THREE WEEKS. BAH!

5/1 Friday is just gym, work, study.

5/2 Saturday is gym, work, and drinking extravaganza.

5/3 Sunday is recovery and then coming back up here.

5/4 Monday is work (depending on whether our checks are here Friday because if they are I AIN'T comin' in Monday), class.

5/5 Tuesday is gym, final, work, final.

5/6 Wednesday is gym, work, final.

5/7 Thursday is gym, work, final.

5/8 FRIDAY IS A MAGICAL CELEBRATION OF BEING DONE WITH EV-ERY-THING. I DON'T CARE IF NOT A SOUL IS AVAILABLE THAT NIGHT! I WILL CELEBRATE BY MYSELF!

My other final for one of my classes was knocked out last Saturday, which sucked at the time, but I am happy it's over with. THEN I AM DONE WITH LEARNING FOR A LONG TIME. I have to register to take the CPA. I also have to send in my transcripts for a review. So much crap to do.

Typing out my schedule was the biggest waste of time, but at least I can refer to it here if I need to.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-28T13:14:00

2009-04-28T17:31:14Z

I can't believe I freaking broke out in hives this morning. It was right after I finished doing stuff for a final and looking at a student loan bill. Maybe it was an instant reaction to to stress or something.

My fingers are also swollen and hurty. What the fuck is wrong with me? I had a respiratory infection, strep throat, a cold (I'm guessing), and fucking hives. This is my body telling me it's getting ready to die. Otherwise I have no idea what's going on.

I'd really like a fucking job so I could pay off these student loans and rent. I will do anything. I'm going to work out super hard, get sexy, and become a fancy escort. Bye bye loans. I swear to God this year I am sending myself on a nice vacation. I SWEAR IT! I want to go some place tropical and delightful.

I'm not weighing myself until Saturday. I'm going to kick my fat's ass this week and hopefully be pleasantly surprised by the weekend. I plan to work out everyday until Sunday. Saturday night I am going home for a drinking extravaganza and Sunday I am going to collect sea shells then come back to urban-ness to start another crappy work week. At least I get all paid and ish HOPEFULLY on Friday or else I am going to be mad broke for the weekend because the gym/credit card is going to steal all of ma' moneys.

I have been cracking everything like crazy. Apparently, I am human bubble wrap. I had an epic neck crack on the train this morning that scared the person next to me.

I just want to be outside! A couple more weeks of hecticness and then SUMMERNESS. I'm so FREAKIN' excited. I like being able to drink iced lattes and coffee again. Iced lattes from Starbucks win, iced coffee does not. Dunkin' Donuts kicks Starbucks ASS in the iced coffee department.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-25T18:07:00

2009-04-25T22:08:01Z

Did Bea Arthur die!?

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-22T17:22:00

2009-04-22T21:29:27Z

I just left St. Vincent's Hospital. My dad had back surgery so I went to go visit him. I feel awful. He's all out of it and dead looking. It's sad to watch. He is there until Friday or Saturday.

He is in a tiny room called the nuerosurgical ICU. There was only one other person in the room with him. She was a delusional old lady. As I was saying to good bye to my dad her son comes over and is like 'Listen she thinks you're my cousin Angie. I really need you to pretend you're her and tell my mom to eat.' So I had to be this Angie woman and convince this lady to eat her food. It was fun. Then I went to class.

Roar. I am bored. I get to see Laura tonight she is coming in to visit my dad also. We are going to get food and bitch it out. It will be GRAND.

My pounds stopped falling off. I am stagnant. I am pissed. I was looking at pictures from when I was ten pounds less than this I am still looked fat. I'm getting neurotic again, which is positive and negative. Positive for results. Negative because talking about being fat pisses other people off. Whatevs. I will do whatever I must to get back in shape. I'm so tired of not being able to wear pretty clothes because I weigh 1,000 pounds. I am truly the least photogenic person I know.

That is all.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-21T01:57:00

2009-04-21T07:17:48Z

I cannot sleep at all.

I hate that feeling when you're wide awake because everything is bothering you and you are the only one who is not sleeping. As much as I surround myself with people these days, it makes me feel alone.

I'm happy that I live in a bigger apartment with multiple rooms and all that business, but the location is not so convenient. I also feel like I have an obligation to be there or to check in. I was so excited about being able to just worry about me for awhile, but it's not the case at all.

Living where I do now sort of makes me feel like I am disconnected from everything, in turn making me miss a shoe box sized apartment. That REALLY needs to not happen, but I can't help how I feel. I will just suppress those thoughts for now ... and ever. Since I was little I always wanted to live in NY so I would never feel like I was missing something.

It's a pain in the ass to get to the train, especially at night. I don't mind walking at all, it's just probably not a good idea to do so by myself. I semi know how Dana feels now.

This is another issue that has been bothering me immensely. It makes me sad that I don't see her that often. Unfortunately, my jobs and school keep me bound to this area. Sometimes I make Monday my day off from work, but even then I would still have to be at class by 6 that night. Monday through Thursday is work at the radio place and class. Friday through Sunday is work at the store.

Thank GOD I get paid on Wednesday and at the end of the month. I am surprised I haven't turned my finger nails into nubs over money. I have got thangs to pay off like WHOA. I feel so sick when I think about money and school. Money, school, work. Money, school, work, weight loss, time management. Money, school, work, weight loss, time management, and relationships ... all kinds. Friends and otherwise.

I still feel confused sometimes. Though I strive to be selfless, I end up being selfish. I thought things would be so much easier, but after the initial "I can breathe" phase everything is still just as sub-par as it was before. It sure won't make my other problems go away. I have to say, I'm still in awe over the amount of weight that fell off immediately after. Weight that I tried really, really, REALLY hard to lose and all of a sudden by some crazy magic it's gone. I didn't even have to work out that hard for it.

My attendance record for class has been awful. I was seriously sick twice, which was a pain in the ass. I HATE IT. I hate. HATE. I hate paying for something I hate. GOD! DO I HATE IT. HERE! HAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS! PLEASE MAKE EVERYTHING INCONVENIENT AND MISERABLE. Love, Nicole.

Writing it out is not helping, I still feel ridiculously nauseous. I was laying in bed on my stomach with my face in both of my palms, which was followed by some riveting ceiling staring. I had to get up and do something. I feel so terrible about everything and I don't know why. When I start to feel like this I get all shady like. I don't answer phones. I don't want to talk. I just want to exist, go through the motions of my day, and veg out. I don't know what I need right now. Perhaps a healthy routine. One that does NOT involve mid day vodka tonics.

Vodka. FUCK YOU AND YOUR DISTILLED WONDERFULNESS THAT BRINGS ME WARM FUZZIES AND FLEETING, FAUX HAPPINESS. I HATE YOU TOO. HERE! HAVE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS! MAKE ME BELIEVE I AM HAVING AN AWESOME TIME, BUT DON'T FORGET TO MAKE ME REGRET IT ALL THE NEXT DAY. Love, Nicole.

I need to be more responsible in so many ways. I need to be safer and more aware. I tend to ignore things that desperately require attention when I am in this state. So many circumstances apply. I feel like I overload my plate, assuming I can be super woman and flawlessly accomplish everything. However, in my opinion, the results I turn out are far from impeccable.

Nothing I do will ever be good enough for me, which is a dangerous concept. I will never be smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, rich enough, accomplished enough, thin enough, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera ...

I worry that I worry my friends and family. My behavior as of late is detached and maybe even a little destructive. I self-classified my behavior as destructive. I put myself in unsavory situations often. It is no one's fault but my own for what I have to deal with and I fully comprehend that. I will never know why I sabotage my own good fortune. I am a control freak. So maybe I have this subconscious desire to be in charge in any way possible. The results could be good or bad, as long as I was the reason behind it?

I superficially keep things light, but I am an intricate, old bitch under the surface.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-18T16:28:00

2009-04-18T20:32:36Z

This has been the drunkest month EVAR. I really need to calm it down. Seriously. I feel like I have had a drink every single day since the beginning of April. DANGEROUS!

I'm so tired today. I really feel like I should go home and just sleep it out, but Nickeris texted me to see what was goin' down tonight. WHO KNOWS!? I am making up for lost time and celebrating liberation. No I'm not, it's just my drinking excuse.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-16T14:04:00

2009-04-16T18:08:59Z

I am THIS close to losing 20 pounds!!!! THIS CLOSE. I hope I don't sabotage myself. I have to go to the gym tonight no matter WHAT and tomorrow morning. I have to kick my fat's ASS. It's almost skirt weather and no one wants to look at my cellulite. I can't believe I let myself become such a fatty again. GOD what's wrong with me!? After the 20 pound mark, 10 more to go then I will be average once more! WOO!

EASTER!

2009-04-12T18:09:31Z

Me: So guess what Brittany asked me? "Should I bring clothes for church?"
Mom and Dad: AHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Oh. HA! No. We're all heathens here.
Dad: WHO TOOK OUT MY CHAMPAGNE?
Me: I did.
Dad: For what?
Me: I'm going to make mimosas.
Mom: WE HAVE NO SUGAR CUBES!
Me: Actually, I do but they're not for you.
Dad: Why do we need sugar cubes? Do you have the LSD?
Brittany: YOU'RE IN LUCK.
Dad: Nevermind. It's very bad for you.

----------

Me: We need flutes!
Mom: Who needs a glass when you have a straw.
Me: What if we mixed Sailor Jerry and champagne?
Mom: We could call it the Bubbly Sailor or Fancy Pirate. No, nevermind, don't touch the Sailor Jerry's it's mine.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-12T11:52:00

2009-04-12T15:54:35Z

I'm doing nothing but eating breakfast and watching Sponge Bob. Aside from being an emotional piece of crap today will probably be pretty good.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-12T00:36:00

2009-04-12T04:51:41Z

Here is how the night went.

I couldn't get a car so I asked David to come get me around 5. He agreed and said he was leaving right after he made a CD. He got there around 7. I ordered pizza for David and Brittany to have before we left. We took absurd pictures involving a fake belly and David punchin' out abortions. It was grand.

I said we needed to make a pit stop at my apartment before we went home. We did and then we were lost all over Jersey City. On top of getting lost, the car overheats. We drive with an overheating car until the car literally would not go no mo'. I had the heater turned on all the way and everything. I also kept telling David we need to anti-freeze and water the crap outta this thang, but he did not listen.

We got off of Rt. 3 near some stores and restaurants. There was a Chipotle so we tried to get chips and beer. No dice. They were beer-less so we ran away. However there was a restaurant where I promptly sucked down two Long Island ice teas. To my delightful surprise LAURA shows up in all her magical harbinger gloriousness! We discussed and yelled. It was FANTASTIC.

I did have to miss zombie night though.

So after hanging out at the restaurant for a while the car finally cooled down, but went right back to overheating within about five minutes of driving. We finally pulled over into a rest stop, I bought anti-freeze, David chewed a funnel of a plastic bottle, and we fixed the car. YAAAAAAAAAY.

I still feel like crap.

My 'room' is in shambles. SHAMBLES! I dug some pajamas out of a random box of crap and it smelled like smoke. It made my stomach hurt in a weird way.

I'm not allowed to be a bitter person. All day when I saw lovey dovey couples I wanted to be like NO TOUCHING and punch them in their happiness.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-11T18:47:00

2009-04-11T22:53:43Z

I'm booooored. I am sitting in the store waiting for David to show up so I can go home and stare at a ham.

I am trying to avoid eye contact with all the mad stalkerish people hanging around outside the store. Just because you're loitering out there does not mean I have to let you in. Not even a little bit. Bitches we is CLOSED. I ain't clothing none of ya' unborn babies.

I ordered a salad. It should be delicious. I have high expectations for this one. Otherwise, I still feel like my brain exploded and the aftermath is just existing in my skull. PMS most likely.

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-11T11:31:00

2009-04-11T15:31:14Z

I am terrible at predicting things. TERRIBLE. I feel like someone is playing a really f'ed up practical joke on me. I need better intuition so I can save myself the fucking trouble, guess future events, and avoid all the dissatisfaction.

I am also unsure as to whether or not I am bored or PMS'ing. Work is slow and I'm not very busy, which allows time to delve into thought. Dangerous. I'm full of overanalysis, what if's, and needyness. What a horrible combination!

xxlolonicolexx @ 2009-04-07T16:34:00

2009-04-07T20:45:43Z

My pants fell off around my butt while I was running down the stairs at work. I was so excited.

I enjoy progress with weight loss so much. I will never make progress and be completely proud about it though. Grrr. I can't be like GOOD JOB NICOLE YOUR PANTS FELL OFF and leave it at that. It's HOORAY YOU LOST WEIGHT, but you still don't look like THAT ... This is where I start to get crazy and comparative. I know I said I lost 16 pounds, but I am still aware I kind of look like crap. It blows, but I will do whatever it takes to get the job done.

Hopefully I'll been ten pounds less by con time. I think that's a pretty good goal. HERE'S HOPIN'! Easter might be a bump in the road. Well, maybe not because my mom makes ham as the main dish and get who is not going to touch that? THIS GUY.

This is how the conversation with my mother with go ...

"Do you want ham?"
"The answer is still no."
"I guess you hate me."

... I know it.

I have also been sleeping SO well. I go to sleep before or around midnight and wake up by 9. I get like a good 8 hours sleep each night. It's so WONDERFUL. I feel so good in the morning, not like I want to never wake up. When I do get up I GET TO PEE FIRST THING IF I WANT!!!! Isn't that AWESOME!? I don't have have to clean up after or feed anyone. I can just pee. I love it.

I think I am going to have sushi for dinner. DELICIOUSNESS. I am going to eat in class and make everyone jealous. I got paid today and I get paid again tomorrow. I am a happy lady.

I had intentions of writing a short post, but I wrote you all a novel instead.

2009-04-06T18:19:01Z

I successfully got over strep throat without infecting anyone around me. My throat still hurts, but at least I can breathe now because my tonsels aren't gigantic and choking me to death.

I decided I would weigh myself this morning just to see any damage I had done by not religiously attending the gym and to my HAPPY surprise I didn't want to bash the scale up against the wall. Since the split I lost 16 pounds by doing nothing special. Dana was indeed correct, I guess I was pretty fucking stressed out all the time. Now by just eating right and working out like a normal person, fat is falling off. OFF!

Dana and I went to the Bronx Friday to CLEAN. That apartment was a fucking science experiment. I decided after scrubbing the a thick layer of grease off the stove that I would clean out the refrigerator ...

.........................................

.........

Yea. You know everyone should do? Keep meat from Christmas and milk that expires in January around just in case.

I did not clean the bathrooms, but I did vaccuum the couch. The apartment isn't even exactly THAT clean still, but we definitely made a dent. It's a start. I left a note threatening to NEVAH return if it was filthy. I have made this threat a billion times before I don't think they will listen.

What other updates? I live in NJ now by the Journal Sqaure Path Station. I like it, but I hate having to be in the West Village all the time for work. It makes me want to run upstairs to the old apartment all the time. Well, I don't know, that was phrased weird. Like if I have to pee and I am out and about I can't do that anymore and it frustrates me. I don't really miss the apartment. When I was leaving it I cried like a baby. I remember leaning on the mantel of the fireplace and just sobbing. I don't know why. I am so content now. I have more than one room I can run around in and a bathroom that is constantly clean. It's what I had wanted to live in for four years and now I finally have it, so I should be happy, which I am.

The days I spent waiting for Mike to leave for Florida made me feel like my life was ending. I swear I thought I was going to die. Since he has been gone I honestly do miss the time we had together, but I also feel like it needed to happen.

All of a sudden he is down in Florida doing everything I had wanted him to do for years. He tells me he is not smoking, exercising, has a huge apartment, and a job. I'm sad it took something like me wanting to take time away from the relationship for him to do that.

It's not like my feelings disappeared over night. I was tired. I felt like I was a broken record pushing him to do normal things someone his age should be doing, but he did not want to do or couldn't or whatever.

I know he wants to work on things, but how do I get lost feelings back? I can't. If he had put some mild effort into doing things like working, getting healthy, or legitimately helping me around the apartment throughout the duration, maybe something could be salvaged.

He's not a bad person. Seriously. He was definitely very, very, VERY helpful in some situations. He treated me the best he thought he could, but we just wanted different things and our lifestyles were polar opposites. I am an overachiever who probably has an OCD and he just survived. I was very organized and had so much planned and he just lived day to day. I guess there's nothing wrong with that and if that's what he wanted to do it's fine he shouldn't have to change for me, but if we stayed together we would continue to struggle with eachother's mind set.

The age difference did not help. My clock's not tickin' yet. I don't want to have any babies until I'm in my thirties. By then he would be well into his forties. I have got thangs to do! Not babies to make. The age difference also made him a creature of habit. That plus me being bossy and having a very certain way of doing things did not help.

I feel guilty saying things have become so much more easy on me as far as life goes. I feel like I only have to take care of me. I sound selfish, but I feel like I should be allowed to just care about me sometimes. I used to be frustrated everyday and now I feel fine. Like I can breathe and function normally and it's not a struggle.